Those FN People

Who would you want to work with?

2010-01-26T10:43:00.000-08:00

It tells a lot about a company that chooses to let one employee go and keeps another. In this case, the one let go had been with the company for over 20 years and had helped to build it up. Sure, she was getting older and forgetful, but no one complained. That is, no one that was affected by her actions complained. The only complaint came from a fellow employee - the one that snooped through her files during lunch. It took that kind of digging to find the corrected problems. One person was let go, the other gained additional work hours.

Terri's thunder

2010-01-19T07:18:00.000-08:00

She isn't very tall. There isn't much to her size that one would find intimidating. Yet she stirs up fear in the team, or is it anxiety? It's a nervousness, a nauseousness, it brings on a fight or flight response well before she is even seen. It's the hollow foot stomp of death that precedes her. Boom, boom, she's stomping down the aisle. Boom, boom she'll appear in four more steps bringing anger and anguish to decent upon us.

The desk identifies the person

2010-01-11T16:21:00.000-08:00

Some people have desks covered with files. Some workspaces are covered with reports. There are even some cubicles that are filled with notes of all kind. Walking into this manager's cubicle all you can see are scarves of all colors and materials. It could help to explain her recent promotion when she jumped two levels. Ok, maybe sitting on the VPs lap at the holiday party helped.

Who does the work around here?

2010-01-11T16:15:00.000-08:00

She told her employee to join her in a meeting with people from other departments. The employee asked: "Why should both of us have to represent our department? Can't you just go alone?"

The manager responded, "Of course you have to come to the meeting. Someone has to do the work."

Working from home

2010-01-07T10:36:00.000-08:00

"I'm OK with you working from home today, but we can't make this regular occurrence. It isn't in the policy." This from the Queen who works from home all the time. Meanwhile, I get a paycheck. Yay!
- Anonymous Submission

What hospital is that?

2010-01-06T15:16:00.001-08:00

I bumped into her a few years after she had been fired as the worst secretary in the company's history. "It was the best thing that ever happened to me," she said. "I'm now a nurse. I love it. I don't even have to think on the job."

Our own holiday party

2010-01-04T12:18:00.000-08:00

She was in charge of organizing a holiday party for our department of five people. How hard could that be? The day of the party three peopl got up, put on coats, and walked happily to the door looking back at the remaining two of us. We weren't invited.

Corporate birthday greeting

2010-01-01T20:59:00.001-08:00

His birthday is January 11th. He's been with the company for 30 years and received a corporate birthday greeting each year. Unfortunately, for 30 years he's received this greeting on November 1st -the other 1-1-1.

Overtime on salary

2009-12-24T18:13:00.000-08:00

A woman at work earns a salary, which usually means ineligibility for overtime. She spends the entire work week away from her desk, selling Avon products, sporting squares, and anything else that comes to mind. She couldn't get her "real" work done. She must be good at something, she convinced the boss to pay her overtime so she could come in on the weekends and do what she should have done all week.

The hot potato

2009-12-24T11:42:00.000-08:00

With a loud "thud" the heavy file hit my desk. She advised me that I would now have this account. "Really," I said, "even though I don't support that salesperson or that territory?"

"Yes," she turned to leave. "Now it's yours. I have to leave for vacation."

"Oh, is this just temporary then? While you're on vacation?" Otherwise it didn't make any sence to have this one account that had nothing at all to do with my territory.

"No. It's yours from now on." She stepped out of my cubicle.

I called after her, "but it doesn't make sence. Why is this one account in your territory, but my responsibility?"

"Because the director of sales says so."

The Vice President of Sales (and the director's boss) called me into his office, rather angrily, asking for THE file. "Sit down and tell me all you know about this file."

I told him that I didn't have to sit down for the little I knew about it. I told him how it landed on my desk one business day earlier. I never saw the hot potato again and never did find out the problem.

Ding dong, the witch is unemployed

2009-10-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

All production stopped as co-workers called each other with the news. The evil bitch got walked out of the headquarters building. Tears of relief were shed at the news.

This executive was so bad that she was sent to charm school - repeatedly. Makes you wonder why they kept her all these years, after all those complaints, after staff walked out, staff took medical leave from the stress she caused, and management's response was to send her to friendly camp again. Each time she returned from camp she was scarily nice. She might even address a staff member by name before kicking him in the ass.

Since she's an attorney, she knows the class-action suit potential of the situation. She's contacting staff to advise them that they have been grossly underpaid for their levels, that the company consistently underpaid females. She asked for backing to argue the point so everyone would take out a piece of the company in revenge.

Little did she realize that the revenge was directed at her. Staff would rather take the insult of the company rather than side with her in any way.

Sorry, we can't help you

2009-10-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

She worked for the company for 15 years. In that time she received one promotion, but received much praise and pomp, the kind where her boss called her up to the stage in front of her co-workers. She received awards, plaques, company bucks to spend on logo-engraved goodies.

She took her job seriously. When her kids were sick, she and her husband stretched themselves thin so the kids were taken care of, and she still gave her full effort at work. Migraines would hit, but she'd still deliver the goods and suffer silently, returning back to the job the next day. She was the go-to person in her department. She knew how to get shit done.

When the company let her go, she was optimistic about working with the out-placement consultant. She was told that there was a program in place for people at her level. Under that program she would be told about comparable jobs available to her. Oh wait, that program isn't available to her after all. It seems that her salary has been much lower than her grade level, which bars her from getting a comparable job. It also lowers her severance considerably. It's a good thing the consultant checked. In fact, she's not even supposed to have access to the consultant. Bye bye now.

Is that a fake kid?

2009-08-27T11:27:00.000-07:00

A co-worker of mine has a nice little set up for himself. I'm sure it's a scam. He comes to work every morning at 10am, not a moment sooner. The rest of us have already conducted meetings, written reports, responded to emails and solved a number of crises by the time this guy shows up for work. This happens every single day.

His workday ends at 2pm while the rest of us are in the throws of stress-filled meetings. He nods at the photograph of a perfect kid on his desk and we're supposed to accept that as a reason for his shortened workday.

He's had that same photograph on his desk for the entire time of his employment. I just wish I can remember how long he's worked here. I don't think that's his real kid. It could be the photograph that came with the frame for all I know.

If I were a man, I could walk in with a new picture like that. Hmmmm, I'll have to do it slow and steady and show my real belly fat for a while. Maybe after wearing loose clothes for a while I can get my fake kid working for me. Woo hoo, I'm gonna join the four-hour workday crew!

Financial transactions on the job

2009-08-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

We all know better than to lend money to friends. What about co-workers? What if it's not a loan? When walking for charity, I enjoyed getting my walking team together and doing the actual walking. I didn't enjoy the financial side. That entails either aggressively shoving my sign - up sheet into the hands of everyone I work with; or passively posting the sign - up sheet at my work space and hoping for the best.

The worse part of the donation process is actually collecting the donation. On the first year of my charity walk, I discovered the handful of people who enjoyed seeing their names on the list of generous donors. They just didn't like living up to that moniker.

The following year, I targeted my promotion. I brought out the sign - up sheet to the people who supported my efforts the prior year. That is, people who actually paid me. One of the deadbeats asked me repeatedly for the form.

Her: "Oh, I see that Ann is drumming up doners for the walk. Give me your form to sign. I'd rather support you."

Me: "I don't have the form here. Thanks, but if you want to sign up with Ann, I'm cool with that."

Her: "No really. Haven't you started your sheet yet? You'd better get moving."

This stalling lasted a while. Then she saw someone else signing my sheet and moved in on the action.

Her: "Great, I see that you finally got your form. What took you so long? Let me sign it."

Me: "Do you remember when I walked last year?"

Her: "Of course. Come on, give me the form."

Me: "Do you remember if you paid me last year?"

Her: "Um."

Me: "I had a number of people who didn't pay me. I was committed to giving the full amount. Do you know who had to pay your amount to cover commitment?"

Her: "You only asked me twice."

Me: "Really? That's your response."

Sadly, this person went on to get breast cancer. She was fighting it for a second time. She knew that the cancer was winning. It was time to clean out her desk and train a replacement. It was at this point that a co-worker was losing her job. The co-worker asked for a loan. A large loan. She gave it.

Before checking into a hospice, she told me about the situation and the fact that she gave the money believing that it would be paid back. She didn't have the energy or time to get an attorney to fight for the money for her estate.

Karma can be a bitch.

Which one keeps the job?

2009-08-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

She works hard, takes the detailed view, goes after the key point and most of all - she cares about her work. Yes, she takes it seriously and has done so for the past 15 years. The company gave her a choice of gifts for her 15th anniversary and then they told her that she would be replaced. Bye, Bye now.

First, she'd have to train her replacement. She knows him from the office in another city. Yes, that guy. The one with the sexual harrassment complaint on him. He can't be in the same space (is it 100 feet?) as his assistant. They communicate through email.

How can she train her replacement? He fell asleep when she introduced him to board where she served as first female chair. He can't be trusted with herself or any other woman unless the office door is left open. He has no interest in the current projects.

Really? He's the one that gets to keep his job?

Schadenfreude yourself

2009-07-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

I learned to control my emotions at a young age. I wish others could do the same. My father was killed in a car accident when I was nine years old. It left me feeling angry, ferociously angry, headache-inducing angry, grind-your teeth angry. I would stop being angry long enough for my older brother's joke to change my mood into giddy laughter. Voila, I learned that altering my mood was as simple as changing my focus.

I could choose to be in any mood that I wanted, it was completely up to me. Well, I have to tell you that this discovery was like a super power. In grade school, I could be silly and funny, yet when called on to march up to the board I was completely focused. It was a prayer come true for the nun that called me up to the chalkboard.

As a young adult, I befriended one of my college teachers. He also suffered the death of his father at a young age. He had been in therapy for years trying to put together the pieces of his life after his fireman father disappeared from the roof of a burning building. It was an incredible idea to him that you could be alive one moment and engulfed in flames in the next. I spoke to him about my job.

"I was waiting for the bus to go to work," I told him, "and I started rubbing top of my spine at the base of my brain. It was a pain that radiated across my shoulders." As I told him the story, I rolled my neck left and right until I heard a loud "crack" releasing the remembered tension.

"As soon as I made the decision to give my notice" I smiled at him, "the pain was gone. Poof. Relieved. It was instantaneous" I said.

He laughed, "do you know how much it would cost me in therapy sessions to relieve that kind of pain?"

"Just crack your neck and make the hard decisions," I said.

Years later, I started working in high-stress jobs that paid me too well to quit. I used the tools in my emotional kit and decided that jobs should pay for me to live well, they shouldn't reduce the value of my life. I was back to imagining a good life - to create a good life.

At one job a coworker told me that I had a "happy, smiling face." At another job, my lunch group was called "the happies." At another job, I worked with someone who cried about newspaper headlines, cried because the light was shining too harshly on her desk, cried because her blouse was too tight. I returned to work after a death in my family and she said some harsh words to me that made me cry. When she left my cubicle her parting words were "now you know what it's like to cry at work." As if I needed the lesson in crying. Some people need a lesson in choosing not to cry, or at least not enjoying the pain of others.

Orientation Clues

2009-07-02T22:22:00.000-07:00

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I've had a lot of different experiences when starting new jobs. I now take it as a first clue to the place.

On my first day at one job, no one knew I was there. I walked in the door, wandered over to the area were my interviews were conducted and asked for my manager. I found out that he was out of town. I got down to HR and asked around only to find that the HR staff was part-time and I had started on the wrong part.

I waited until a few days went by and got a number for the part-time HR lady. I called her at home and was told that there was nothing she could do for me.

"Really?" I said "How will I get paid if you don't have a W-2 on me?"

"We must have gotten a W-2," she argued back with her dog barking in the background for emphasis.

"No," I emphatically stated even though I felt like barking. "I haven't completed any formal paperwork besides my application. No one is here from my department and no one is here representing HR. I've been alone at my desk for three days now."

She made a point to come to the office the following day.

This job ended in a chaotic battle for bonuses. Our new team saw that our bonuses were through the roof, more than double our respective salaries. It looked like the ambiguity of management was playing to our favor. However, the old timers on the job knew how to play the lack of leadership. All of our bonus money was redirected to areas that defy connection to the work that was done. Management was so out of touch that they simply advised us to work it out for ourselves. We did. My team left.

At another job you would have thought that I was working for the CIA. I reported to work at a different building than where my interviews had been held. The new building had no name or address on it, like it was invisible - all glass. A security guard on the first floor kept an eye on me until someone from HR came down to escort me.

We walked through a maze of desks then into a "People Trap," which was a new term for me. It's a walkway that only one person can be in at any time and it has a door on either side. A photograph is taken of you when you enter and the door closes behind you and before you can open the door ahead of you. It made me wonder if the people at the desks are merely actors and not real employees of this secret company.

Once beyond the people trap, I was (silently) escorted into a conference room with other new hires. I was directed to sit at the place setting with my name branded into a brass name plate. The name plate was in front of a stack of binders that towered over me when I sat down. The day was spent reading silently through the binders and signing every page that needed a signature. At intervals someone would enter the room, advise us how many pages needed to be signed for a particular binder and they would check for signatures and remove the signed binder. There was always the feeling that you would be asked to report on the contents of the binder, although that never happened. At Noon food was brought in for us. Otherwise the entire day was spent in silence as we signed away all of our future brilliant ideas, patents, or products.

This job ended abruptly when a team of creative visionaries developed a product so different from the rest of the company's projects that we thought it should be a new company. We worked on the spin-off legalities and set the wheels in motion and our sights on our profitable futures. We must have missed one of the signatures in the orientation notebooks that tied us forever to the mothership. The mothership squashed us.

I now see the first day on the job as a telling clue to the future with the company. It's sort of like checking out the toilet-paper situation on a job interview. If they have those tight holders that allow for only one square of paper at a time, I'm out of there.

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Goose stepping on our lunch break

2009-06-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

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Working on a suburban corporate campus meant that there was no excuse that could get me out of walking a couple of miles at lunch time. We called the campus Camp Riverwoods for its park-like setting. The building looked like something from Washington DC, fitting for a financial services giant. The grounds had two ponds protected by beautiful white mute swans. There purpose, besides looking regal, was to protect the water from being over crowded by Canada geese.

There were nine of us that decided to go for a walk one fine summer day. We met in the cafeteria and ate first. The cafeteria was stunning with a wall of windows that looked out on one of the ponds surrounded by narrow walkways that led to glass doors, from which we made our exit.

We walked out one of the doors and filed individually down the path, which skimmed past the back pond, ran through the woods, past the baseball diamond, along the volley ball net, and back to the same pond in the back. It was early summer and the hatchlings were all over the place. The signets were in the pond with their overly protective swan parents. The goslings were hopping in the grass under the careful gaze of their equally protective parents.

Nine talking women got into single file to walk back into the cafeteria in full view of all in within the wall of windows. I was the third person in the line up as we continued our conversation and squeezed on the narrow path with the pond on our left and the wall of the building on our right. We walked slowly toward the glass wall and waved to our friends in the cafeteria who seemed to be waving to us.

Continuing to talk, I heard a faint sound behind me. Then laughter. Then again. It was kind of a yelp, followed by laughter. Or maybe it was the other way around. Then I felt a hand slap me on the back. I turned to see a wide-eyed co-walker yelping at me. I laughed. Then I looked down the line to see six scared faces behind me followed by a HUGE goose jumping and flapping its wings to make it as large as possible while apparently pecking at the women behind me and working its way to my head. I slapped the back of the woman in front of her and managed to get out a "yelp" before she turned to laugh at me...

By the time we ran into the building, we had the attention of all 1,000 or so people hysterically laughing at our misfortune. We had no idea that we'd be the entertainment for the day.

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Funemployment as the American vacation

2009-06-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

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When I was working, the days were long, the work was frustrating, the people... they were the inspiration for the Blog title: Those FN People at Work. Now that I'm Funemployed, I've noticed that the migraines are gone, my skin is clearing up, and I sleep the tranquil sleep that my body has craved since I was 16 years old and started my first job.

Even vacations from work were stress inducers. It meant working twice as hard before the vacation and after, all while worrying about work while on the actual vacation. This is much better. Perhaps it's the only real vacation that Americans can hope for - to be comfortably Funemployed.

I have time for healthy walks. My husband and I spend our Wednesday nights in the flickering light of candles as we actually talk to each other in an unhurried pace about the simple pleasures of our lives and joys.

No, we are not trust-fund babies. Nor are we safely retired with a mountain of cash. We aren't delusional either. We know that this can't last. But, like my dogs, I'll live in the moment and enjoy.

Take a closer look

2009-06-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

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She criticized everything. We worked as legal secretaries for one of the nation's largest companies. It empowered her. She took great pride in her job. She was so proud, that she rewrote the contracts instead of merely typing what was dictated to her by the corporate counsel. Occasionally, he would have to remind her that he was the attorney.

She was difficult to get along with. She had a sharp word for everyone in ear shot. The trick was not to be too close. I worked directly with her so it was difficult for me to shut her off. I tried. Believe me, I tried. I ignored her attempts at attention. I changed the subject when she told me the pleasures of her marital bed.

I simply walked away when she studied my appearance. She once commented that I must have borrowed the dress that I wore to her wedding because I never wore it to work. I asked if she would wear a formal, red silk dress to work. On another occasion she laughed at my foolishness for wearing two different earnings. I reached up and felt the exact mates, two diamond earnings. I looked at her and mentioned "These are exactly the same. They're diamond earnings that my mother bought me for a birthday gift."

"No they're not" she insisted. "One is wooden." She walked up to stare at my right ear. "Yes," she said louder to draw a small group of co-workers, "You have one wooden earning that doesn't match the other one." She laughed and pointed.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said as I put down my hands from my ears. "I don't even own wooden ea rings." I turned to return to my desk.

A co-worker standing nearest to my ear broke the mystery. "That's not wood, it's a curl from your dark hair. It's curling around the diamond. Actually, it looks pretty good," he smiled.

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A brilliant project manager

2009-06-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

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He was a brilliant project manager - in his own mind. It was a happy, little place up there in his head, where everyone loved him like a parent and clapped joyously at his every thought.

The rest of us (in the real world) had to deal with his dis-jointed ideas and half-baked plans. Often, he would catch me in the hallway. We worked together on a large corporate campus where two buildings were stitched together smack dab in the middle of a prairie reserve. He must have gazed upon the soaring eagles who lost their way off the Mississippi and thought of plans to find his own way up the corporate ladder. The only problem is that he refused to do any of the work.

Work was for the other people - those outside of his pumpkin head. He'd catch me in the hall and in three quick steps from the elevator he'd share his latest brilliant idea. All I had to do was find the money, build the team, and make it happen. On the fourth step, I told him to send me a business plan. It never appeared (in the real world).

My job is safe

2009-06-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

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We were hired to launch a new product. He handled the database that kept all the department's information including sales performance. It was the key to our entire business plan. Without the database, the sales people wouldn't get a commission, the buyers wouldn't make their earnings, all customer contact would be lost.

He thought that his job was safe, safer than most, safe even though the rumors were swirling. The rest of us gathered in hallways, over lunch, and finally - in the cubicle where we read that our entire product was getting killed.

He still thought that his job was safe. He didn't understand that if we had no product, there was no reason to have data on that non-existent product. He was the first to go.

Happy FN Birthday

2009-05-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

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What else can you get for a foul-mouthed sales woman? I thought it would be funny to get an anatomically correct birthday cake.

The problem is that the intern I sent to pick up the cake thought a mistake had been made. She had them cut off the best part and cover the surgery with sugary colorful underpants.

The foul-mouthed birthday girl heard the story and gingerly removed the disguise to reveal the two remaining attributes. This after asking if the souvenir was in a separate box - just for her. It wasn't.

Carousel career

2009-05-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

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My career has been a crazy ride on a carousel with mid-schooler egos elbowing each other for the prettiest painted pony on the ride. I've ridden the best pony, been pushed to the boring bench, stood barely holding on to the post and occasionally just hopped off the ride.

Still can't get the music out of my head though.

Research your way to a new job

2009-05-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

Companies hire competent people and then expect them to be fools. Why then do they create a job requisition and look for a top negotiator, but then expect them to accept a small compensation package?

Companies never seem to keep their competitive analysts. As soon as they find enough positive information about the competitor they wind up getting a job with them. I worked in a department where we analyzed the drop in our customer base... and followed the rest of the research team out the door to our new jobs.

Marital secrets revealed

2009-05-09T08:27:00.000-07:00

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She loved clothes. Oh, and shoes too. She and her husband lived simply. There wasn't even closet space in their little home for all the clothes that she wore. Her husband had no idea how much she spent or how much she owned. For the most part, she hid her purchases and tried to hide the credit card bills.

He saw the credit card bill one day when she didn't make it home early enough to pull it out of the mail stack. He insisted that she cut up the card in front of him. She complied. She sobbed. She knew it was only the complimentary spousal card that she never gave him, the original was safely in her purse.

She hid the clothes everywhere, her sister's house, the car's trunk. Anywhere she could to keep them out of her husband's gaze, even in boxes in the basement and attic marked "Christmas Decorations." And then it happened.

They had a house fire. What wasn't destroyed in the fire, was destroyed by the smoke damage. She itemized the clothing loss, to her husband's surprise. They were able to afford a new heating and air conditioning system on the clothing loss alone.

You're now the manager

2009-05-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

He was happy as the worker bee. His managers had gotten promoted and moved on in the company. It was his turn to take the helm.

He was given the files of his staff, his former co-workers. He discovered that he was earning the lowest pay. He was then asked to move out of the window cubicle.

In response to his questions he was told that the cubicle was to be saved for a future staff member. Yes, someone that wasn't yet hired, someone who may never be hired, since the requisition had not yet been approved.

Welcome to management.

Congratulaions - you have the job

2009-05-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

He was so happy to get his first marketing position. He was a recent graduate. He was eager to take on all responsibility. He got what he expected. He got the job - and more.

It was a terrible department. The five employees were overworked, underpaid, and took to walking the halls punching their hands, gritting their teeth and furrowing their scowls. He was warned in the interview, but at the time he just wanted a job.

Before his first day, two people left the department. He learned their jobs as well as his own. Then a third person left the department. When asked if he would take on that additional responsibility he finally asked, "This is temporary right? I mean, you are going to hire more people aren't you?" It wasn't. They didn't. Welcome to marketing.

Money Problems

2009-05-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

She has an exempt position, which means that she's exempt-from-overtime. Yes, she needed money, she craves money, she lives for money, oh, and she's lazy. What can she possibly do?

She's already away from her desk all day, selling everything from sports odds, to perfume and sparkly scarves. Her work is piling up, the filing isn't getting done. An idea germinated up into her brain.

Somehow, she convinced her boss that they needed a temp to do the work that wasn't getting done. She further convinced him that she could do the work, cheaper. All he had to do was pay her for coming in on Saturday and she would get the work done. Genius.

Who's the Boss Now?

2009-05-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

She barely got the job. Then again, she was a warm body and the department needed someone with the simplest skills: type a little, file even less, stick a brochure into an envelope and mail it. A monkey could do it, really.

She turned out to have fewer skills than a monkey. The manager wrote up the necessary HR paperwork and the disappointed team made plans to rework that job description so the next person would actually have to perform.

The department never expected what happened next. The newbie marched up to HR and life was never the same. The entire team had to meet with her on Monday morning and tell her how much she had to work that week, with specifics (that were unknown at that time) and she would accomplish only items that were identified on Monday. Everyone else had to make copies, file, bring items to the mail room and all the other items that could not be identified on Mondays. Eventually, everyone else left that department. She is still there, filing her nails.

Competition Fired by Demotion

2009-05-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

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She had been demoted. It was quite a fall from grace. Although it was embarrassing to be around company old timers, she was fortunately sent to work with newbies who had no knowledge of her historic fall.

To re climb the corporate ladder, she took it upon herself to schedule many meeting, be the first to jump up to the board with a marker in hand, and to steal the ideas of the newbies.

She was rewarded for her efforts. The newbies lost their jobs. Although not promoted, she was able to keep her job with the company that fosters such behavior. Success is in the eye of the bowled over.

Early Warning

2009-05-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

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Being new to the company, she had no way of knowing that she had been reorganized to work under The Evil One. TEO seemed pleasant enough, initially. Her talons were shocking when they did appear. It was even more shocking that they appeared before the reorg was official.

The new employee was given an opportunity to travel with a business partner, to meet the sales force, to dive into the new role. TEO caught her in the hall and demanded that the travel plans get canceled.

The reason? "You will be tied to your desk. I don't want you out of the office. Who will carry that heavy work load while you're gone?"

Good news for the unemployed

2009-04-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

You really need a solid sense of humor to come up with something funny about a possible pandemic virus taking over the planet. But imagine this...

If the swine flu is spread from person to person...

If all those people with jobs are busy shaking hands with each other...

If all those hand shakers give each other deadly doses of swine flu ...

There should be plenty of new job openings soon, brraaahhhhaaaahhhaaa

Meetings should have an objective

2009-04-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

I went to her first meeting just because I was invited. It was a waste of time. At the end of it I couldn't give you a reason for the meeting, or an outcome, or our initial expectation.

To my surprise, I was invited to a follow-up meeting. My boss was also invited, so I suggested that both of us needn't attend the same meeting. Really, I was hoping to get out of the thing.

Manager: We should both go to this thing. Look at the invitation list.
Me: She invited management three levels over my head. Why should I attend?
Manager: It's a good way for you to gain face time with upper management.
Me: Look at this, she's even invited key sales personnel. They lose money coming to headquarters for these meetings.
Manager: Proof that this must really be an important project. We both need to attend.
Me: Look at the topic. She listed "follow-up meeting" as the topic. What does that mean? I don't even know what that first meeting was about, do you?
Manager: No, but it must be important. Look at all the important people she's inviting to the meeting.

We attended. The purpose of the meeting was to plan the next meeting. Seriously.

Misguided anger

2009-04-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

Trial lawyers can be an angry lot, consider that they argue for a living. On this particular day, the angriest attorney in the office was due to be in court, his secretary didn't show up for work, his paralegal was no where to be found. The attorney slammed doors and pushed furniture, evidently in an attempt to find the missing people.

I did not work for this man and had as little as possible to do with him. Another woman in the office was freelance legal secretary. She offered to help him out. He accepted her offer. He stood over her shoulder as she typed the necessary documentation. The whole while, he pounded her desk and screamed in her ear.

She stopped typing, turned to look him in the eye and got his full attention. She then reminded him that he "was taking out his anger at the wrong person." He shut up and went into his office and quietly waited for her to finish.

It kept her busy

2009-04-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

We ran out of projects for the high-school student that helped out in the law office. Her manager asked if I could give her some work, because we liked her and didn't want her assignment to end. I gave her projects that she completed too swiftly, until there was absolutely no other way to shelter her from the wrath of the attorney with the hot temper. He's the guy that throws things. He's the one that will pay her wage. He wants value for his money or someone will have to pay.

I sent her to the conference room with instructions to clean up. I knew that she couldn't stretch out the job for the rest of the afternoon so I added one more thing. "Could you also find all the various telephone books and put them together? We can't find either the "Far North" or the "Far East" editions."

At the end of the day, she was nearly in tears. She had gone through every closet and checked every single space. Finally, in tearful frustration she admitted to her manager why she couldn't go home yet. The manager walked up to me and asked me to name a single suburb in the "far east telephone book."

I smiled and said "that would be in Michigan, considering that we're in Chicago." I just wanted her to be kept busy and out of the path of the senior partner's flying book."

It's called a personal life for a reason

2009-04-29T12:15:00.000-07:00

The department worked reasonably well before she got married. We put up with her need to be the center of attention. Actually, it was easy to indulge her since we thought it was temporary. She was planning a wedding. We've all been there.

Then she got married and her position at center stage continued. Only the topic had changed. We no longer got to hear about menu options, restaurants and cakes. Now we learned to hide from her, or to talk as much so she wasn't given a chance to talk.

If we couldn't escape we were forced to hear about her sex life, his shortcomings, her cramped legs, aaaaaagggggggghhhhhhh.

You had your chance

2009-04-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

You were assigned to work on our team. You showed up for a couple of meetings out of the 20 or so that were conducted. The rest of us made the decisions that changed the process forever. We improved the process by cutting out useless steps. We reduced the time to complete the process. We worked long, hard hours identifying all the necessary steps and recreated the process. You brushed off our requests to join us, to review the new steps, to give your input.

You did show up at the party where we unveiled the new process to upper management. With cake waiting to be cut, you decided that THAT was a good time to five us your very negative input. You also didn't like our suggestion for what you could do with your piece of cake.

A Comedic Renaissance Man

2009-04-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

He's an interesting character, and by that I don't mean that you'd want to spend too much time with him. He's certainly not interesting enough to speak with, he speaks only in clichés. Although he thinks of himself as a comedic renaissance man who writes and performs in the quarterly company meetings, he doesn't realize that clichés don't even work in that venue.

He seemed harmless enough, kind of a laughable sort of guy, until that one evening. Most people ran out of the building at quiting time. By 6pm the place was deserted, most of the lights off. A co-worker shut down his computer, shut off the light in his own office, and shut the door. As he got to the elevator he remembered something left behind. Walking back into his office, he immediately noticed that the door was now open. In the darkness, he also noticed someone crawling around under his desk. There were more questions than answers. All he could get out of him was "Hey, how's the weather up there."

Personality and Then Some

2009-04-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed working with her, talking to her, and accepted her quirks. We couldn't go out to lunch together, because she had a schedule to keep. Each Sunday she would buy enough food so she could make Turkey sandwiches on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. She would also buy four slices each of ham and Swiss cheese to cover Tuesday and Thursday lunches. Buying lunch in a restaurant simply would not work.

Since she was a statistician, it seemed like she was perfectly suited to her job. She was neat and clean (to the point of opening doors with her feet to keep her hands clean), so her work was detailed an on target.

As we got to know each other, I asked if she was dating anyone. I should have guessed at the answer, but could never have guessed at the excuse. No, she was not currently dating. The last guy had to go, since he wanted to go out on the night that she applied a deep conditioner on her hair. What else do people do on Friday nights, she wondered.

Nervous Squirrel

2009-04-21T13:10:00.000-07:00

Some people have an easy nature. They're comfortable around people and bring comfort to others. She isn't like that. Instead, she has a stiff and cold demeanor. Not just that she's aloof, it's more than that, as if she thinks that she'll get that flesh-eating disease if she's too close to humanity.

When you meet her, you get the feeling that there is something wrong with you, as if spinach is hanging out of your teeth, or something worse is hanging out of your nose. Sure, it's weird in the office, but considering some of the people here, she doesn't stand out that much.

I guess she likes the novelty of being outstanding in her field. We took her out to lunch to celebration her graduation - as a masseuse.

Megalomaniac Mary

2009-04-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

She's a legal secretary, but her boss, the corporate counsel has to remind her not to change his wording on the contracts.

She's just gotten married and chases coworkers down the hall to give them advise on sexual pleasure that she has now mastered.

If two people are talking, she manages to position herself between them - changing the topic as well.

When riding in a car driven by a person who shifts manual gears, she proclaims that she could have learned to drive a stick-shift car also.

Back in the office, she rewrote yet another contract. The corporate counsel stood above her and finally said, "You are not the attorney." She took the contract and chose which corrections to make.

Vegas Meeting

2009-04-21T12:50:00.000-07:00

The work was hard, why not spend as much energy at play? No, forget the gambling joints, there's a fun place to dance. It's outrageous. You'll love it.

Off they went. No, they're not a couple, but they made good dance partners. It was just a fun night with a coworker. The music pounded stronger, harder, the dancing wilder, to the point that he threw her in the air. They both forgot about the pull of gravity. Her ass and the floor ended the dance routine, but not the fun.

She laughed and sat out the next dance as another partner introduced herself. She paid him back for the pain he inflicted - with a little titty twist. Just a Vegas Hello and he was back on the dance floor.

Pull What String?

2009-04-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

Lunch buddies share a lot. We share food, drinks, stories, books and sometimes the traumas of daily life. The table is shared with married men, single women, dating rejects, and parents of young children, it's quite a mix.

We're comfortable enough to talk about any topic. For the most part we entertain ourselves with funny stories about the other FN people at work. On this day, one of our own was added to the list.

She was sullen, downright tearful, the married guy in the group is pre-trained to offer help. It's the curse of married men. They do take a vow of "yes dear" after all. To our collective shock, she took him up on the offer. She asked in a hesitant voice, "could you come to the bathroom with me? I think I left a tampon in from last week."

"Temporary" is not just a word

2009-04-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

I was hired for one job, but temporarily was given a second responsibility while a fellow co-worker was on medical leave. In her absence I received the abuse and attitudes that had sent her to seek a medical leave.

One person screamed at me to completely change the entire process that I was following. I calmly told her that I was only in this role temporarily and asked if she would appreciate a temporary replacement changing her entire work process while she was out.

Side note, my next manager heard the entire exchange and promoted me out of that angry department.

Team Building Madness

2009-04-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

He decided that it was time for his newly developed team to pull together. It was a rag-tag group of women (since marketing is often a pink-collar ghetto where under-paid women get to use their degrees).

The five women in this team consisted of:
1 pregnant women with an extended 3rd-trimester bulk;
2 women over 50-years old;
1 runner with a broken ankle; and
1 beauty queen with each lash perfectly coiffed.

He decided that the team-building event would be to bring this group to a wilderness location and have them walk tight ropes. Instead, the team grew tighter - in their ridicule of him.

Keep Them Quiet

2009-04-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

When you call a meeting, you need to draw some people out to get them to speak. Others will keep talking for the entire hour, not because they have anything to add, but simply because they like the sound of their own voice.

Unfortunately, you might also find out that the quiet person also likes the sound of their own voice. Once you give them a chance to talk they just won't stop.

Bug Face

2009-04-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have to wonder what your co-workers were like as kids. Was the bully always the bully? Perhaps that's the kid that was forced to eat bugs and is now getting revenge in the workforce.

A Day In Court

2009-04-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

I appeared in court as a witness to a car accident. The plaintiff's attorney based his case on a lie. My story was in opposition, it would have to be, since it was after all the truth.

The attorney called me on the difference in our stories. I reminded him (and the jury) that out of the two of us, only I was at the scene. Oh yes, and I took an oath to tell the truth, yet the attorney didn't. The plaintiff lost the case.

Unlimited Praise

2009-04-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

She was starving for attention. Her divorced father rarely visited and as the youngest, she managed to push the competing sisters off his lap. The same aching need was still apparent 20 years later in the workforce.

Finally, I had to tell her that the manager could appreciate MY work and at the same time appreciate HER work. There is no limit to praise. It's not like he's going to run out of nice things to say.

Mean Grrrls Club

2009-04-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

Leadership in the Mean Grrrrls Club is a slippery thing to hold onto since each one thinks that it's their show. The others are just victims.

Jumping the Land Mines

2009-04-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

I was the new person in the department. There was a very old feud between two women in the group. I listened to both sides, gave each a sympathetic ear and thought I had passed safely through the mine field.

Unfortunately, by not taking sides with either I managed to alienate them both. Sometimes the best solution is just to remove yourself from the damage zone. I left and found greener grass without land mines.

The Handler

2009-04-07T07:57:00.000-07:00

You're hired to handle her, to translate her, to rein in her galloping budget. What does that leave for her to do?

She's out of control, projects dreamt up and left to die - after paying three agencies for work that was contracted, but never defined enough to pursue. Her strategy changed, again, so those projects are no longer needed.

Welcome to the job!

Rent Free Offer

2009-04-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

She hates the job, can't afford an apartment with more than one room, and does a little artwork on the side to help her cope. Her paintings are of twisted, tortured souls.

She seriously began to consider the offer from "the creepy old guy in I/T." She actually thought it was an offer for "an apartment, rent-free, with no strings attached." It was the little wink that scared her enough to look for another job.

Self Image Askew

2009-04-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

Could she really think that she's a super mom, capable of handling ALL THOSE KIDS plus the job for which she was hired? There are certainly others who would be glad to work with us. Instead we have to carry the extra load for someone who comes to work late and infrequently. When she is in the office she's irritable and ineffective.

Some of us chose not to have kids. We enjoy putting in an honest day's work and socializing with others. Honey, maybe you should take a few years to bond with the little family and leave the workforce to the workers.

We really don't want to hear who threw up on you, or the date of your last attempt at sex.

The Green Woman

2009-04-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

The Green Man sprouts foliage from ears and head and is a symbol of rebirth in many cultures. The Green Woman works with me and has a married lover. When she returns from lunch covered in weeds from the nearby woods, she giggles and readily explains how they got there. Hopefully, she's careful enough not to be a symbol of birth.

Perfume Queen

2009-04-04T08:16:00.000-07:00

She tries to gain attention, but hides herself in a cloud of perfume. There's a wake of sneezing people behind her that she wears as a bridal train, proudly.

Did she have to refresh the scent while we were trapped in a car together? The windows were tightly closed - adding to the discomfort.

Drinking Games

2009-04-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

The wager was over drinks. He won. She paid up. Forever more, he came to be known as "Fish" as in "drinks like a."

Write right

2009-04-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

You can't blame the guy for losing it a bit. We've all read sloppy emails with misspellings, changed tense, and poor word choices, but the guy really looks like a fool now.

He sent his staff a ranting email about editing emails. He included eight misspellings in his rant.

In Defense of Happiness

2009-04-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

Happy people are the ones with their headlights on, thinking of the job at hand and the humor of the situation all at the same time. They are the ones that bring teams together, that keep conversations flowing, that "play well with others." Why then are they vilified in the workplace?

Some common fallacies posited by the miserables are:
- Work is hard
- Work is painful
- If you're laughing, you must not be working
- This isn't social time
- If you're happy and I'm miserable, I must be doing more work than you
- I'm so mad about you laughing that I can't get my work done
- Your happiness sucks the productivity out of the team
- If you're happy, you must die.

Trailer Trash Pedicure

2009-03-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

She can find fault with anyone and does find fault with everyone. Nothing is too petty for her vitriolic spew, nothing too low for her gaze.

Co worker's feet are either "shaped wrong" or "toes are too long" or "have man feet" or "are trailer-trash pedicures done with their teeth." She keeps her own toes in clogs. Makes you wonder what they must look like, especially since I can't tell if that's an apple bit stuck in her teeth...or something else.

Present This

2009-03-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

She insisted that presentations be reviewed with her for approval. The team wrote and presented an exciting new marketing campaign to be revealed before the entire company. There was arm raising and foot stomping and joyous yelps of brand name. This was deemed "unacceptable."

The team rewrote and practiced the routine in front of her 15 times in three days, causing late nights, reduced enthusiasm and exhaustion. By the time the entire company sat in the auditorium for the presentation, it was performed in a monotone, void of enthusiasm by people with the eyes of the damned and the flinching action of the physically abused. On the way out of the auditorium someone was overheard saying "I thought that this was going to be a fun, upbeat presentation of the new marketing campaign. Instead, it feels like a funeral."

Procrastinator in Charge

2009-03-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

Why is a procrastinator in charge of a fast-paced production department? He's barely aware of what is getting done around him. When he does discover a project, his "help" merely slows it down, like:
- rolling a ball across fresh tar
- reciting Shakespeare while chewing gum
- running while your legs are wrapped in bungie cords

Why does he think that his "help" is welcome?

Password Controller

2009-03-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, I understand that we need to have passwords and that we need to protect them. But really, who comes up with the rules governing them?

We have to choose new passwords every six weeks. Why not monthly? We can't reuse passwords from the prior eight months. We can't use family or pet names. Oh yes, and we need separate passwords for each program, all with the same rules. I'd like to meet the person who makes up these rules. No doubt that person has no real life.

Lunch Plate Styles

2009-03-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

Some people eat there food left to right on the plate. Lefties might eat from the left side of the plate toward the right. I've even noticed top downers; and down uppers.

I've only met one person who carves out a middle point and eats outward from there. It does make me wonder if he attacks all issues head on.

Free Lunch and More

2009-03-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

He's a temp, but actually has worked for the company longer than anyone else in the department. He works only long enough to earn money for his travels.

After having lunch with him a few times, I discovered how he is able to survive on his long travels with reduced funds. He comes to the lunch table half way into the lunch periods. He brings no lunch, but leaves well fed - after finishing off every one's plate.

Promotion Hell

2009-03-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

He was the goofy guy, the brunt of jokes, the dead weight on the team. Somehow he got himself promoted as manager of the team. Not able to tolerate it, team members left in droves. He got the last laugh, surviving them all.

We're Giving You Clues in your Interview

2009-03-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

When you came to our office for your job interview, we tried to give you some warnings. Didn't you notice all the reasons to run away:

- People walking the halls in tears;
- Screaming as our co-worker was belittled by our manager;
- The common look of raised shoulders and lowered eyes;

and the most obvious clue:
- The interviewer was 30 minutes late in meeting you.

Motivation's Met Its Match

2009-03-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Sure, it's a wonderful thing to be motivated. Even better when you're motivated to do your job. However, it becomes worrisome when it grows beyond an obsession.

She claimed to love her job. She claimed that it defined her. She claimed that she thought about it day-in, day-out. She claimed that she would give up her right arm before she'd give up her job.

She was fired.

Just-In-Time Expectations

2009-03-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

Working today is like building the railroad tracks as the train is coming toward you. Everything is last minute, including the railroad.

In today's environment, you're expected to get your report just as you're walking into the meeting to present the report. You're expected to launch a new product, as the final piece is put into place. It's like expecting surgeons to walk into an operating room with nothing but a trusting patient and the expectation that someone will hand the appropriate tool to them at the appropriate time - even though massive layoffs prove that to be a naive thought.

Marketer Profiles

2009-03-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

Marketers profile the public. We send emails to "Bargain Shoppers." We hire "Awarded Talent." We marry "top of class."

Although we take umbrage at being profiled ourselves. Every marketing job requires a new profile test. We should just have our ears tagged like cattle to announce if we:

- lead or follow
- analyze or do
- speak or listen
- perform or observe

It would save a lot of time. After all, those profile tests are getting longer and more detailed - even the ones that then teach us to identify people "in a minute."

Is This the Communications Department?

2009-03-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

There's no communication in the communications department. We're the last to know what's going on IN the department. If there's a reorganization, we're the last to know. If we're getting a new manager, it's not revealed until we meet the person at an introductory lunch. If there's a massive layoff coming, we're split into two groups.

One group is directed to the room on the left. The other is the group on the right. The surviving room isn't identified until you're already deep into the room, in your seat, hearing the thumping beat of your own heart.

The Assistant's Assistant

2009-03-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

The recession is a good time to clean house. Look around and you might find that 20% of the people are doing 100% of the work. This is the time to get rid of the assistant's assistant as well as the manager's manager.

Who's Tracking That?

2009-03-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

The person who gets a bonus based on presentations will give 100 presentations a day. If you want to motivate people to do something, give them money for doing it.

The negative side of this often-used management tool is rarely identified. That's when you have employees are quitting like rats off a sinking ship and you have this tracked by the person causing the max exodus. If you need someone to track all the sick days of the company, be sure to check on the person doing the tracking as she might be working only one day a week.

Don't Poke a Stick at a Caged Tiger

2009-03-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

Peaceful looking tigers might allow birds to rest in their cages, but don't confuse this tranquil scene with reality. The reality is that the foot you place in the cage might be viewed at five little sticks.

Tigers, coworkers, the end result is your foot where you least intend it. Instead, keep walking.

Children's Games

2009-03-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

Children play games of sport, fashion, and fantasy. They really need to practice the skills that they'll need as adults.

The Princess: refuses to cooperate.

The Parrot: repeats the best idea in a meeting.

The Mirror: identifies only the obvious.

The Bus Driver: throws everyone under the bus.

If It's Mine, It's Delightful

2009-03-13T12:30:00.000-07:00

Why do you think that only your ideas will work? It's like that time that you balked at the suggestion of going to lunch at noon. For some reason, you also got fixated on the width of other women's ankles, the size of ears, and the movement of noses.

When you started to point out how ugly everyone's feet are, I caught you gazing lovingly at your own. Stay away from the reflective water of the toilet bowl or you may fall in forever.

Ollie, Ollie Ocean FREE

2009-03-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

It's what you yelled out to end the childhood games. Why doesn't it work in the corporate conference room? The games are the same, the bullies are the same, their tactics are the same.

Where's the "game over" button?

Cat Parades are Easier

2009-03-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

Announce a team meeting and you expect the team to show up. Since the team includes "the fun people" I'll have to call it a "surprise party."

The surprise is that only the workers show up. Those are the people that already know the information that is to be exchanged at the meeting. You can depend on the dogs showing up.

Easy to Spot the Middle Child

2009-03-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

She has a knack for drawing attention to herself. If you're talking to someone, she'll stand between the two of you. If you're invited to join the company softball team, she'll tell you that she wouldn't have joined if she was invited.

I was having a hallway conversation with a coworker. We were talking quietly so we wouldn't disturb anyone working around us. Instead, we were disturbed by this coworker who grabbed her breast and screamed "OMG, it's a painful gas bubble!!!"

Another time, she spent a whole day limping around the department, dragging her foot behind her. We refused to ask her why...

How to Throw a Party

2009-03-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

Most people fear throwing a party that no one attends. One coworker seemed to strive for that very result. She organized a department holiday luncheon. She invited only our boss and her best friend. The rest of us watched them leave and then had our own party. Ours included drinks and laughter.

He Wears His Jealousy Poorly

2009-03-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

I worked in a small law office where one of the attorneys sought and was awarded a position as a judge. Most were happy for her.

One grumbled under his breath that it proved she was a poor earner as a sole practitioner. As he said this and turned away from us we were able to see a split in his tissue-paper thin pants. It was not a pretty site.

4 Ps of Unemployment

2009-03-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

One of my pet peeves in the marketing world is when someone asks if I know the 4 Ps of Marketing. Whoever asks that question is often the least knowledgeable marketer in the room.

The last person who asked me that question was fired - online. He received a misdirected email. No doubt it was sent by the least knowledgeable human resources person in that room.

The Magnifier

2009-03-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that personalities affect a situation? Some people can bring instant calm to a roomful of high-energy bickering co-workers. Others can prod the sleepy into achieving creative heights. And then there's the personality type that I like to call "The Magnifier." People with this trait breathe in the atmosphere of a room and bring it up a few degrees.

If you're planning a revolution or doing a stand-up comedy act, these folks are great. If you're trying to control an angry room or motivate a team, keep this person away, far far away. They'll only make a bad situation worse.

Advice

2009-03-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

One person seemed to have the answer. I asked how she got along with the evil one. The answer was simple, she said: "I do her work and let her take the credit."

BFF

2009-03-06T11:07:00.000-08:00

She brings in donuts, she buys you lunch, she is your Best Friend Forever. Then, when you finish her project, you find out that she's moved on to a new friend.

Going a step further, she not only ignores you in a benign way, but she also throws you under the bus so she can get the full glory of the project and - if she's lucky, you'll be tossed out of the company.

The Big Reveal

2009-03-05T06:50:00.000-08:00

She strong-armed the other departments and took their budgets away with the promise of handling their communications. They feared losing their say, their plans, their jobs.

All was to make sense in the presentation to them. It was called the big reveal, as in "wait for the big reveal" to see how it will work. She didn't communicate anything else. Her teams were instructed not to communicate anything.

The first team revealed a plan that did not take into consideration any concerns or strategies shared by the department they were aligned to promote. A heated argument ensued.

The second team secretly worked with their aligned partners and presented a plan that began with the words "we listened to your concerns and strategies." They received a standing ovation.

The third team was instructed to begin their presentation with the words "we listened to your concerns and strategies." Since they didn't actually do so, it ended with a heated argument.

She didn't care about the aligned departments, she didn't understand their reluctance to trust her, she certainly didn't understand the concept of "communications" although she was in charge of the communications department. It was clearly communicated to her - that she should leave.

Shit Rolls Downhill

2009-03-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

He roars, he pits coworkers against each other, he manages his department like a dysfunctional family. It's actually kinda funny since his team met his wife.

His wife is the one that keeps him on a tight chain, and roars, and pits the kids against him. It all spills downhill. I wonder how popular his kids are on the school playground?

The Killer Muffin

2009-03-04T07:46:00.000-08:00

At least her moods are easy to spot. At times, she can be your best friend (though not forever). At other times she can cripple your career.

How do you spot which mood is walking down the hall toward you? The friendly one is thin and bright eyed. The evil one is fat and dumpy, even if it's the very same day! I don't know how she manages the physical transformation, but it's a welcome flag. If she's carrying a muffin - run!

Personality Twist

2009-03-02T11:58:00.000-08:00

Her cubicle was filled with unicorns and the color pink. It was a happy, almost silly place where you would expect to find a lower-level girlie employee with an aim-to-please attitude.

Instead the person who sat in that space was a hell hound who rotted every living thing in her environment. Perhaps pink unicorns are merely a trap for the unwary.

Job Security

2009-03-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

She devised a job-security plan when she was hired two years ago. There wasn't anything original that she brought to the table. Nothing competitive, or creative, nothing that couldn't be done by someone else.

Every quarter she would schedule an all-marketing meeting. She would invite everyone up to two levels above her and also those two levels below her. 45 people would sit in the auditorium for an hour listening to her vision. It was a Five-year plan that would take four years before we could see progress.

The company conducted massive reorganizations of the marketing team annually. This caused her to reset her plan to the starting point with every change in management. Her last presentation, was her LAST presentation when our new reorg team heard that she was now back to a new starting point. She started it outside of the company.

Forced Fun

2009-02-28T20:46:00.000-08:00

She managed our department through fear and intimidation. The stress she imposed on us was visible to all. Walking past our department you could see grown men reduced to tears or women tossing their cookies. Finally, upper management intervened by sending her to "charm school."

She called a team meeting on her first week back to the office. She pulled a chair to the front of the room, twisted it around and sat in a way that make it look like her vagina was behind bars. Fighting back her inner rage, she barred her teeth in a hideous mockery of a smile and demanded that her department be viewed as "a fun place. I want other departments to be jealous of our department. I want them to hear laughter coming from your cubicles."

Her plan was to have us take part in Wednesday afternoon "fun" sessions. For an hour, we sat around tables with crayons and paper, play-doh and comatose co-workers. We had so much work to do, that most of us had to stay late to make up for our hour of "fun." These sessions finally came to an end after Thanksgiving, after every other department got to leave early on the Wednesday before the holiday and we had to stick around for our hour of "fun." We never did achieve the goal of making the other departments jealous.

Always Be Selling

2009-02-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

She spends her work day selling things to coworkers. I'm surprised that she doesn't have watches up her arms and monkeys under her hat. She sells just about everything else from cosmetics to sporting bets.

She's in the hallways so much that her regular work doesn't get done. Most people would fear for their jobs. Not her. She managed to talk her boss into giving her over-time pay so she could come in on Saturdays to do it, and earn an extra day's pay. Oh yeah, she's actually exempt and shouldn't receive overtime. That's the definition of exempt: exempt FROM overtime pay.

It's Not who You Know, it's Who You're Believed to Know

2009-02-26T12:20:00.000-08:00

He's a young, but experienced attorney with an active trial. During the lunch break, he returns back to the office for moral support since he's clearly losing the case. He paces the floor, puffing nervously on a cigarette in our small office.

I remind him that it's Ash Wednesday and suggest that he give up cigarettes. He considers a bargain - his soul for the winning of the case. Instead, he smashes the butt around in a hand-held ashtray, sticks his thumb in the black mess and makes an expert smudge on his forehead.

He leaves the office with a smile on his little boy, Irish face and returns a couple of hours later with an even greater smile. His closing statement and pious little-boy face worked on the jury, because that's the only thing that could have saved his lost cause.

Law Firm Priorities

2009-02-25T07:18:00.000-08:00

She was a legal secretary for a small, upscale lawfirm. The partners and staff were equally excited about moving to a beautiful brownstone in a tony section of the city. She was so happy to make the move, so proud of the new location, so hopeful about her future with this career move. She was so very proud of herself. That all changed with the first blast of winter's cold.

The partners put their offices on the top floors of the brownstone. The secretarial pool was on the main floor. She was the last one hired and sat closest to the front door so she could also work as receptionist. Normally, that was a wonderful place to be, and she enjoyed it - normally. But this was a freezing cold day, so cold that the senior partner was worried about his diesel car.

An electrical cord ran from the senior partner's pampered car, up the stairs, through the front door, past her desk, and into the outlet shared by her desk lamp. She was expected to type with cracked, frozen fingers. When she complained, she was told that plenty of other people would love to have her job. She went home understanding that she was valued less than an inanimate object.

Fun with a Chronic Liar

2009-02-24T07:19:00.000-08:00

She was easy enough to spot. She would lie about the weather. She lied to impress. She lied in an attempt to fit in. She lied by just saying "hello."

A friend and I compared notes on her. When I said that I was looking for a condo, she told me about the wonderful condo that she was buying. When she spoke to my friend who mentioned her brother's McMansion, of course the chronic liar said that she was purchasing one herself.

Wouldn't it be funny to have a conversation with the three of us? Would the liar's head explode if she had to confront two, mutually exclusive lies?

Hell of a Sales Guy

2009-02-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

You have to give the guy credit, even if the only thing he sold on the job, was himself. That is to say, he had no industry experience, but bluffed his way into an interview (side stepping HR and all the normal channels). He got himself on the payroll before the hiring manager ever heard about him.

His first two weeks on the job, he flew to the Colorado office and rented himself a Jeep, a hotel room, and some skis. It took a few weeks to find the guy before he could be officially fired.

Snap Trap

2009-02-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

She had a way of rearranging her clothes that made the men in the department stop and pay attention. Most just smiled and played the "what-if game" in their heads before going back to work. The mail room kid started talking to her and took her signals as interest.

He lost his job after she put in a report to HR. Too bad no one asked me to be a witness. Poor guy. He didn't earn enough money for her to let it slide.

The Destroyer

2009-02-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

The initial manager of our newly created department was a nurturer. She brought out the best of everyone on the team and inspired us. That all changed about six months into the project.

Our beloved manager saw her job posted on the board. Note that it's NEVER a good thing to see your own job posted as available, especially when you are already doing the job. Her boss gave her some flimsy reason for creation of the opening, but she was smart enough to take the hint and get out.

The rest of us stayed in our positions. We should have packed our bags too. The new manager was The Destroyer - come to end the project. Her assignment was to make life miserable for us, to reduce the company's settlement when they closed our project down. If she could get people to quit, they wouldn't be around long enough to be downsized.

The reward for persevering and succumbing to migraines and stiff necks, was to get a severance package. The reward for The Destroyer was a promotion.

Your Mother Doesn't Work Here

2009-02-20T10:33:00.000-08:00

Why do some people leave their trash all over the office? There's a half-filled coffee cup with a paper towel in it. It should be in the trash can, but it's sitting on the desk of the shared cubicle.

Who takes the last of the coffee and returns the carafe back on the hot burner? Either make a new pot or at least turn off the power so the carafe doesn't burn.

You were able to bring the cafeteria tray upstairs. Who do you think is going to return it?

Perhaps we can create a new job to help the economy. Would anyone want the job of cleaning up after you?